The Professional Problem Solver
by Gendou
Summary: WARNING: THIS IS A SELF-INSERT FAN-FIC. Heh. So read at your own risk. (and no, I doubt I'll ever finish it.)


[RANMA] - [HUMOR][XOVER][DARK][LANGUAGE][VIOLENCE]  
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The Professional Problem-Solver  
Chapter 1  
  
DRAFT (FFML) Version 0.1  
  
A Ranma 1/2 - Multi-series Crossover Fan-Fiction  
-= By Gendou Knepper =-  
  
Ranma 1/2 characters & situations created and copyright by:   
Rumiko Takahashi/Shogakukan/Kitty/Fuji/Viz/etc.  
Other copyrights are owned by the respective copyright owners.  
All copywritten material is used without permission.  
  
All other material is (c)2000 Gendou Knepper  
  
This story is a Fan-Fiction, and as such, is written for entertainment purposes only. So don't sue me. I don't have any money anyway.  
  
Please be advised that this story contains language and violence that may be unsuitable for younger audiences.   
  
This story takes place in an alternate dimension, so characters may act out of character.   
  
Characterizations, characters and situations are used from both the manga and the anime.  
  
The writer subscribes to an eclectic mix of American and Commonwealth English. Any and all spelling and grammatical errors are his own.  
  
The writer would like to thank his pre-readers, Chris Bookless and Justin Tarlton, for their help and support. Thanks guys.  
  
indicates foreign languages (languages other than japanese)  
'' indicates thoughts  
// indicates signs  
  
Praise, comments, creative criticism and questions may be sent to: gendou_knepper@hotmail.com  
Flames, insults and general stupidity will be ignored.  
  
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Copyright Warning: All Copywritten materials belong to their respective   
copyright holders and are subject to state and local laws.  
(ie: Ranma 1/2 belongs to Takahashi-sama, Viz, Shounen-Sunday, etc.)  
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Fan-Fiction Warning: This is a fan-fiction. I don't own these characters. I didn't even make (most) of them up. Please don't sue me.  
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Self-Insert Warning: This is a self-serving / self-insert fan-fiction.  
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Darkfic Warning: This is a Dark fan-fiction.  
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Alternaverse Warning: Some characters may act out of character.  
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Violence Warning: This is a rather violent fan-fiction.  
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Sex Warning: No lemon or lime material in this fan-fiction.  
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Language Warning: I use mixed Japanese & English and bad words in both.  
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Grammar Warning: I use mixed American and Commonwealth English.  
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Crossover Warning: This fan-fiction has a lot of random crossovers.  
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Twisted Warning: This fan-fiction uses a lot of twisted humour.  
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Parody Warning: This fan-fiction parodies many things. Like me.  
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Satire Warning: This fan-fiction is a Satire. Or not. Fnord.  
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Warning Warning: This fan-fiction has a lot of warnings. So beware.  
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-= Prologue =-   
[ In an underground lab somewhere in America ]  
[ 18 Jan 2002 ]  
  
  
"But you HATE self-inserts," my friend complained.  
  
"Of course I do," I responded, "but it's better this way. Trust me." I smiled my most winning smile. "I know what I'm doing."  
  
My friend winced. "I was afraid you'd say that," he moaned.  
  
  
-[ ]-  
-[ The Professional - Problem-Solver ]-  
-[ A Ranma 1/2 Self-Insert Darkfic ]-  
-[ By Gendou Knepper ]-  
-[ ]-  
-[ Brought to you by Tendotech Inc. ]-  
-[ ]-  
  
  
  
"But a *multi-dimensional* transportal?" my friend asked.  
  
"Sure, why not. Better than a sub-space gateway and twice as handy! What could go wrong?"  
  
My friend raised an eyebrow and said nothing. I simply smiled.  
  
"Look, it's easier to open a portal to another dimension than it is to tunnel into subspace," I said with a knowing smirk. "Watch." I pressed the button on the console in front of me. A glowing white door opened up out of nowhere and a short, balding, *badly* dressed man stepped through. The portal closed behind him.  
  
"Sam? Sam, where are you?" he yelled. He waved his smoking cigar at my friend. "I don't suppose *you* know where Sam is, do you?"  
  
"Uhm . . . no?" my friend stammered. The man grunted and glanced down at the device in his hand.  
  
"Dammit, Ziggy, this is the wrong portal!" he snapped peevishly, slapping the device on it's side. "Gooshie, exit!" The portal opened again and the man stepped through without a backward glance or a how'dya do. The portal closed again. My friend blinked.  
  
"Well," he said, "that was unexpected." He looked at me suspiciously. "Wasn't it?"  
  
"Uhm," I began intelligently, still staring at the place where the portal had disappeared.  
  
"So, uhm, what next?" my friend asked.   
  
I blinked. "Oh, oh yeah . . . " I glanced around the room, finally finding what I was looking for. I held up a small 'Y' shaped device. "I forgot to install the flux capacitor." I grinned   
sheepishly.  
  
"Gendou, I'd say you were a moron if I knew precisely what a 'flux cabanana' or whatever was, but I don't, so . . . "  
  
"So I'm not a moron?" I asked hopefully.  
  
"You *are* a moron, I'm just not going to say you are."  
  
"But you just did," I disagreed.  
  
My friend glared at me for a few seconds. I coughed and turned back to installing the capacitor in the appropriate location. When I finished, I turned back to the master console. "Ok," I said, "let's get this show on the road!" I keyed in a command sequence on the console. Behind me, the flux capacitor began to glow.   
  
"Reactor, online," I read as I checked off the pre-start checklist. I flipped a pair of switches. "Sensors, online," I continued. I flipped another pair of switches. Two narrow tubes extended up from the floor to a height of roughly seven feet. "Weapons, online." I nodded as I checked another listing on the screen. "All systems, nominal." I grinned. "We're ready."  
  
"Uhm . . . weapons?" my friend asked.   
  
My grin widened. "Well, they don't fit any other category, really." My friend stared at me. "Just a precaution," I assured him. I flipped open the scanning console and pushed the big button in the middle. "Engage!" I wasn't sure why I said that, but it sounded right. As I spoke, a door unfolded from between the two tubes. Various scenes appeared, then disappeared, with roughly a 15 second interval between them.  
  
"Cool," muttered my friend.   
  
"I did it, I did it . . ." I chanted, glad to have finally gotten the kami-forsaken piece of trash to work. I watched as an image of a park appeared. The people in it were talking and laughing, playing and generally having a good time. My friend grinned when I turned away. He knew about my mysterious aversion to parks. (1)  
  
"Hey, check that out," he muttered, stepping closer to the doorway. I looked. The park was gone. Instead, it showed a high-tech, beige-colored room filled with consoles. Three chairs were set in the center of the room. A tall, rather bald man in a red and black uniform stood up and adjusted his tunic. Then he saw us. I don't know how, but he did. He stepped toward us and started to speak, but just then, the scene shifted.   
  
We were looking at a bright meadow, with butterflies flitting about and flowers dancing in the breeze. Suddenly, three figures appeared from over a small rise and ran toward us. The first was a tall, sandy-haired man. He was dragging a little boy, about ten years old. A girl, about twelve or so, followed them. Suddenly, a mass of tall, skinny, bird-like dinosaurs swarmed toward them. Just before they reached us, though, the scene shifted again.   
  
Now we were looking at an office. A bald man (who looked remarkably like the man we saw in the high-tech room) was sitting in a wheelchair, flipping through some papers. He pushed his glasses further up onto his nose and continued reading. We watched him for a while before he disappeared as well.   
  
The scene shifted to a large forest. Suddenly, a muscular boy wearing a bandanna crashed through one of the bushes. He grabbed a map from his backpack and stared at it, not seeming to notice that it was upside-down. He snarled with frustration and swung his umbrella at a tree. It shattered. No, not the umbrella. The *tree* shattered. I gasped. The boy's head snapped around and he stared at me.   
  
"Ittai koko wa doko nanda??" he wailed. I just stared. I was still staring when the scene shifted to a small hospital room. A boy was lying in the bed, staring at the ceiling. I turned away from the scene and looked at my friend.  
  
"Did you see that???" I hissed. He nodded slowly.  
  
"Was that an umbrella or a gun?" my friend whispered.  
  
"It *looked* like an umbrella," I replied, shaken.  
  
"But was it?" my friend asked, stirred.  
  
"I don't know."  
  
"Wow!" my friend noted.  
  
"He looked terribly familiar," I noted uneasily.  
  
"What did he say?" my friend queried.  
  
"'Where in the world am I?'" I responded.  
  
"In?"  
  
"Japanese, baka!" I snapped.  
  
"Oh." He paused for a moment. "I didn't know you spoke Japanese," he finally stated.  
  
"I don't. But this is a self-insert. I have powers and abilities far above those of mortal men," I replied smugly. My friend gestured at me with his finger. His middle finger. I just glared.   
  
Finally, he spoke again. "So, can we travel with this thing?" he asked.   
  
I nodded. "Of course. I set it for excursion mode and we just step through. But one of us needs to stay here and watch the systems, and since you are a mere bit player in *my* story, you get to stay here and monitor the equipment."   
  
My friend slammed his hand down on the table, startling the two lab mice trying to sneak out of the lab. "How do you know this isn't *my* story???" he snarled.   
  
I smiled reasonably. "What's my name?" I asked.  
  
"Gendou," he hissed.  
  
I smiled wider. "And what's yours?"  
  
He stopped for moment. "Uhm," he began, "it's, uh . . . "  
  
I laughed. "You're such a minor character, you don't even have a name, moron." I began to prep the gateway for excursion mode. My friend was still thinking about what I had said. I picked up my handgun and laid it on the table in front of me. I pulled on my trenchcoat, fedora and sunglasses. I grinned at myself in the mirror. Killer.  
  
My friend finally spoke. "Fine, I'll watch the systems. What do I do?" he grumbled.  
  
I pointed out the controls on the master console. He nodded.  
  
"Standard Iconian Temporal Displacement settings," he said with a knowing smile. I winced. I hadn't realized he was familiar with Iconian architecture. It's not like the Iconians have been around for the last two hundred millenia anyway. He smirked at my obvious discomforture.   
  
"Hey, give me some credit," he said. I shrugged. Reaching into a drawer, I pulled out five clips of ammuntion for the handgun. .50 caliber handgun ammo for the .50 Desert Eagle on the table. I smiled.   
  
The World's Biggest Handgun(tm) was a kick-butt piece of hardware, and was perfect for the application I had adapted it for. I looked at the ammo clips.   
  
Two had black-tipped rounds in the clips. These were standard hollow-points with fast-expansion razor tips. Deadly for anti-personnel and other soft targets.   
  
The next clip had grey tips on the rounds, indicating a teflon-coated, armor-piercing, full-metal jacket load. Good for light body armor and small vehicles.   
  
The fourth clip had red-tipped rounds, signifying armor-piercing, high-explosive rounds. These rounds were custom made to penetrate armored targets, then explode once they were inside. Very nasty indeed.   
  
The last clip had rounds with clear tips. These were also custom made rounds. Inside each hollow shell was a small amount of inert gas, with a micro-filament of super-conductive material running end to end. A tiny piezo-electric crystal is set into the tip of each round. When the rounds strike the target, the crystals shatter, sending a current through the superconductor. When the superconductor ignites, it superheats the gas, converting it into plasma. The plasma expands instantly, incinerating the shell and spreading the superheated gas plasma all over the target. If the target is lucky, it's incinerated instantly as well.   
  
Because I hand-load all my cartridges, I was able to keep the charges sub-sonic, which is good, since a silencer for the .50 would make the already massive gun too bulky to be hidden easily. The small adapter slung under the barrel was a simple ranging device for setting the penetrators on the HE rounds.   
  
I tucked the anti-personnel, the armor-piercing, the high-explosive and the plasma clips into a small pack on my belt. I loaded the remaining anti-personnel clip into the gun, chambered a round, checked to make sure the safety was on, and holstered the gun in the small of my back.  
  
I looked over at my friend and gave him a thumbs up. He nodded toward the gateway. Through it, I could see a schoolyard, and Asian kids in school uniforms. I grabbed the transcontrol from the table, clipped the chameleon module to my belt, glanced at my friend, smiled, and stepped through.  
  
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(1) See the intro to AIWFOS, Part 1 for more information.  
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-= Section 1 =-  
[ Nerima, Tokyo ]  
[ 18 Jan 2001 ]  
  
[Scene: In front of Furinkan High. It's morning, just before classes, and students are hurrying to get into the schoolyard before the warning bell rings. Suddenly, a gateway opens in midair and a figure steps out.]  
  
Gendou: (looks around) Hm. Interesting. (taps a button on the transcontrol, then attaches the device to his wrist.) There. And (taps another button) there. (the gateway closes behind him)  
  
[A few students are staring at him, but most just ignore him and move on.]  
  
Gendou: (thinking) I'd better try to fit in a little better. (taps a button on the chameleon module) Uniform, facial features and height.  
  
[Gendou's form warps for a moment before resolving into the shape of an average Japanese high-school student in uniform.]  
  
Gendou: (examining self) Better. (reading sign on gate) Fu-ri-n-ka-n. Hm. That really sounds familiar. Wonder why? (starts inside the gate)  
  
Ranma: (running in behind Gendou) Hey look, Akane, Kunou's waiting!  
  
Akane: (annoyed) Oh joy.  
  
Kunou: (ahead, waving bokken) Today, Saotome, I shall free the beauteous Tendou Akane and the innocent Pig-Tailed Girl from your sorcerous grasp. (lunges at Ranma) Attack!  
  
Gendou: (watching in interest) Hm. (thinking) Saotome? Tendou? I think I know why this seems so familiar . . . (chuckles)  
  
[There is a quick and vicious fight in which Ranma is mildly inconvenienced by being late and Kunou is beaten severely and rendered unconcious. Typical.]  
  
Gendou: (watching Nabiki helping Kunou to the nurse's station, thinking) No wonder I didn't recognize it at first. It used to be animated. Maybe it is, and my mind is compensating by making it look this way. What if I'm animated now . . . will I survive a return trip?   
  
[Gendou begins to pace back and forth outside the school, then stops]  
  
Gendou: (gleefully) No matter! Time to have fun for right now. (grins evilly) I've always wanted to tamper in people's lives with little or no consequences to myself. Now's my chance! (laughs manaically as lightning crashes behind him)  
  
Hiroshi: (looking out window, thinking) Well, that guy will fit right in here.  
  
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-  
  
[Scene: School has just let out. Ranma and Akane are leaving. And arguing. As usual.]  
  
Ranma: (wheedling) C'mon Akane, don't be so mad! How was I supposed to know Shampoo'd try something like that? It ain't like I like her or nothin'.  
  
Akane: (angrily) Right, Ranma, like she doesn't show up every day during lunch. You just like her to show up so you can molest her.  
  
Ranma: (annoyed) I do NOT! I ain't a pervert!  
  
Akane: (splashing puddled water on Ranma) Oh yeah? Then what do you call that?  
  
Ranma-chan: (further annoyed) Whad'ja go and do that for?   
  
Akane: (steaming) Pervert! Why don't you just go live with Shampoo and leave me alone! (runs off)  
  
Ranma-chan: (gloomily) Aw geez. (watches Akane leave, sadly) Akane . .   
  
Ukyou: (coming up behind Ranma, cheerful) Ranchan! (concerned) You okay, sugar?  
  
Ranma-chan: (sadly) Couldn't be happier.  
  
Ukyou: (skeptically) Coulda fooled me.  
  
Ranma-chan: (sadly) Yeah, well . . .  
  
Ukyou: (brightening) C'mon back to the resturant and I'll make you one of my specials, okay?  
  
Ranma-chan: (gloomily) Naw, Ucchan. I appreciate it, but I gotta get home. (starts off toward the Tendo Dojo)  
  
Ukyou: (sadly) Ok, Ranchan. (quietly) Curse you Akane, for being able to do this to him. (heads for her resturant)  
  
Gendou: (stepping out from behind a tree, frowning) Trouble in paradise? Hm! (looks after Ukyou, thoughtfully) Poor girl. Really does deserve better. (shrugs)  
  
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Authors Notes:  
  
Ok, this is a joke. A very long joke. Yes, it's a self-insert. Yes, it's self-serving. Yes, it has new characters, OOC treatments, non-canon representations and all the things that I personally despise in a fan-fiction. That's why I'm writing it. :-)  
  
If anyone else finds this funny, I'll probably keep it up. Otherwise, I'll probably drop it. But let me know, okay?  
  
If you read this, I NEED feedback. PLEASE! Even if it's just a nastygram telling me that you hate self-inserts. ;-)  
  
Oh, and if anyone can guess what *all* the crossovers are in this sillyfic, well, kudos to them. :-)  
  
Thanks, and enjoy.  
  
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